I’m not crazy, I’m just a little self-diagnosed

Revisit 2013-06-26: City Hall Sunburst with Rainbow Flag

A lack of same-sex marriage is making LGBT people in Australia sick, according to a statement signed by dozens of health professionals and reported on the Star Observer. Weird, I’ve never been to the doctor with an aching I-can’t-get-married or called in sick to work because of a painful green discharge of muh rights. But if we’re all going to be delicate little victims with self-diagnosed maladies that render us incapable of basic adult-functioning, I’m going to take advantage and diagnose myself with the following:

  • Retinal blindness from the technicolour-haired harridans smoking clove cigarettes and posing mournfully outside the artist commune warehouse opposite my apartment building.
  • Hepatitis caught from the one the one that keeps doing a wee behind our post boxes.
  • Sprained tongue from trying to pronounce LGBTQQIAP2, the latest term for the community being pushed by activists.
  • Epilepsy from watching 3 seasons of How To Get Away With Murder in two days and trying to keep track of the dozens of plot twists per episode.
  • Schizophrenia from losing out on a promotion to someone with the last name Beans. Beans.
  • Major depression from watching the Freo Dockers go from playing the 2013 premiership to spending the last few seasons at the bottom of the ladder doing only slightly better than the Gold Coast Suns. Suns.
  • Chronic anxiety from worry that if this continues Nathan Fyfe could go to another team.
  • Complete emotional shutdown due to the dawning realisation that Nathan Fyfe will probably never sit on my face.
  • Erectile Dysfunction after hearing Jared Kushner speak. He went from ‘daddy got me this law internship but I’ll still do anything to get ahead’ to ‘I’ll have to go speak to my manager and probably won’t be back’.
  • Narcolepsy from going home every year at Christmas to see my family and watching cricket for a week to avoid talking to said family.
  • Mesothelioma because Tumblr says we can say we have whatever these days.
  • PTSD acquired after my best friend made out with this guy in the club who was totally looking at me first, because Tumblr also says PTSD is the exact same thing as a drunken bathroom cry.
  • Intermittent explosive disorder that I got from getting fined on the tram the one time, THE ONE TIME, I didn’t touch on my Myki card, even though I was only going four stops and it’s like, youth gangs are rampaging through the city with impunity and cars can mow down pedestrians, including babies and children, across half the city centre before the police deign to stop them, and yet one little student trying to get out of the rain gets four officers instantly interrogating him and accusing him of all sorts! RAGE!

If you question me on any of these you are ableist and should die.

Now please give me some welfare money.

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