I’ve never been into sex toys. My childhood coincided with the early days of the internet, when x-ray images of giant spiky things stuck in peoples’ rectums were, naturally, the first images to go viral. My fear of them was enforced by an experience with an aggressive boyfriend and an electro-stimulation glove that I later found out had been recalled for faulty wiring.
However, with my political awakening I have been dating increasingly conservative men, and the more conservative they are the weirder the things are they want to do to my hole. I looked at my small collection of bum toys yesterday and realised that this sad collection of wilting rubber is never going to get me a Liberal MP husband. It was time to upgrade.
What was meant to be a quick online search for a dildo and maybe some German leather cleaner turned into a day long exploration into the depths of human depravity and ingenuity. The human mind is never so creative as when devising things to insert into oneself, or oneself into, or to chain a third party to the ceiling. Spreaders, shakers, buzzers, chokers, suckers. Rubber alien vaginas. Rubber dragon penises. Hillary Clinton sex dolls. Five litres of salted-caramel lube. A USB sex toy warmer because your alien vagina needs to be ready to go.
This is capitalism manifest. And I love it.
It makes me sad that young LGBT people are being won over by socialism when it is capitalism that gives them the freedom and time to explore their sexuality. Young women in Soviet Russia probably didn’t analyse gender theory while lining up in the snow for hours to buy bread. And forget sex toys. Young men were probably lucky to have a warm potato to fuck. And that potato went into the family stew afterwards in a sad, dystopian version of the peach scene from Call me by Your Name.
Maybe it is a bit excessive that I bought $200 worth of crappy plastic vibrating goodness and it was shipped to my door by the end of the day. And maybe it’s a bit unfair that some people spend their Friday afternoons driving boxes of dildos across town and some people spend that time lying in front of a mirror with their legs behind their head. But the excesses of capitalism are always better than the excesses of communism. I don’t know how to convince young gay people of this, but perhaps it starts with getting through their self-righteousness and appealing to their basic urges. Make them aware that true pleasure comes not from analysing how ‘woke’ their sex life is (are we allowed to refuse a trans person sex?!), but from cramming as much crazy shit into their holes as they can until they find something they like. Just like at a Liberal Pride event.