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Oh, Balls

I was searching for something extra spicy to write about for the first post of 2019. Something that would stir my cold, dead conservative heart into battle for the year. But nothing inspired me. Not Anna Wintour’s war of words with Tony Abbott. Not even the Covington twinks. And then a deeply personal subject hit me square in the face: ginger dick.

Red-pubed, white translucent skin coursing with blue veins. Invariably uncut and eager. I have been obsessed since my first boyfriend, a saucy ginger farm boy.

But, alas, the dick in this case belongs to national Greens candidate Jason Ball, who used it to have sex with a male party volunteer in a gay nightclub bathroom on election night 2016. This is not a surprise to me, what with the stories I have heard about Ball over the years. It is ironic, but of a subject I feel the most passionate about I can say the least – due to Australia’s strict anti-defamation laws. If you want to know more ask any Melbourne gay.

The volunteer subsequently accused Ball of taking advantage of him by using his position of power and alcohol, but Ball was cleared of all allegations by an independent inquiry. And the story has ended there. It was barely mentioned in the media besides a few Newscorp mentions. Never even made it to the Fairfax rags. In the era of Me Too this is unbelievable.

Can you imagine the outrage if the volunteer was female? Or if Jason Ball was older and unattractive? Well, he would have gone the exact way of Jeremy Buckingham.

And what if a Liberal candidate had done this? The gallows would be outside Parliament House in minutes. Every Fairfax opinion writer would decry the ‘abuse of power” and rake through every accidentally touched hand and slightly too-long gaze in the candidate’s past until they had a portrait of a monster.

Leaving aside questions of an abuse of power, this is just not how a federal political aspirant should behave. When you are representing the Australian people you represent them at all times – even at 4am when you are bent arse up over a dirty toilet at Poof Doof.


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