There have been calls to rename Melbourne’s Margaret Court Arena after its namesake made homophobic comments. If we must rename it, here are some alternative names that celebrate great Australian women:
Sports Groupies Who Know How to Keep Their Damn Mouths Shut Stadium (co-funded by the NRL integrity unit)
Lynne Postlethwaite Astrodome. Named after this All-Australian:
Dorothy Dixer Tennis Centre for Easy Serves
Mercedes Corby-Benz Stadium (Crossover promotion)
Lay-Down Sally Robbins Centre for Sporting Excellence Or At Least Completion
Cocaine Cassie Coliseum
Judy Moran’s Ring
Penny Wong Arena (with a roof that retracts just like her statements defending traditional marriage)
Fuck Off, Ya Fat Mole Leisure Centre (Sunshine West satellite facility only)
Katherine Knight Kourt
In these times of extreme political partisanship and hysterical media bleating, perhaps there is only one woman that all Australians could agree to name the arena after. She united us once and she can do it again. She doesn’t even have a name. She’s just Window Lady:
The Not Happy Jan Arena. Sums up the world, really.
Ten traffic light pedestrian figures will be changed to women in Melbourne, with the aim to eventually make 50 percent of pedestrian walk signs into female figures. The stated aim is to ‘reduce unconscious gender bias’.
Says Victorian Minister for Women Fiona Richardson, “There are many small — but symbolically significant — ways that women are excluded from public space”.
For a moment let’s leave aside the fact that this is patronising, a waste of money, ignores real issues women face and only serves to reinforce the view of feminists as nagging harpies. If indeed we all need to be represented in traffic pedestrian signals, lest we collapse into a shrieking mess every time we cross the road, here are some pedestrian – AND VIRTUE! – signalling ideas that truly represent Melbourne:
- A green female figure with bright pink hair, to represent the feminists.
- A green female figure that turns red monthly when blood pours from her vagina.
- A green figure in a burqa, or even a little green ISIS man smashing little green ancient relics.
- Just a big sign that says “Boycott Israel”.
- A figure that alternates between a green man and a red woman at random times with no relation to actual traffic conditions that yells at you if you get its pronouns wrong.
- In a tribute to ‘rape culture’ and today’s undebatable feminists, just a big red signal that says NO MEANS NO and doesn’t let anyone cross the road.
- A gay man in a sling that alternates between yellow and red depending on what he’s chasing.
- Green refugees that will not actually live in any Green seats.
- A big Adam Bandt face, 1984 style.
- Emma Watson with her tits cut off.
Gosh, when I put it like this, the idea of gender specific traffic lights seems almost ridiculous!